What is loneliness (really)?

It’s a very natural feeling, to feel alone — and, my goodness, I’m sure if you ask anyone about their experience of loneliness in the turbulent years of lockdowns and social distancing, most will be able to relay at least one occasion where they’ve felt it. Even now being surrounded once more by the hustle and bustle of life and family, one can still feel lonely. It’s actually one of the saddest feelings I think. Because if others knew how you felt, I’m sure they’d move heaven and earth to spare you the heartache.

Does starting your own business leave you feeling isolated? Where does founder isolation come from?

That feeling of isolation is certainly a mist which can come through the open window of any founder's room, at any time. Because when you build your business, there’s an element of having to be alone with your notions and dreams. It’s what ignites your ideas, your soul, your thoughts. Then, of course, there are the things you simply have to keep to yourself — the raw, hard stuff that you can’t share with your customers, your community and, often, your colleagues. And with things being tougher than ever for small businesses in the current climate, there’s more of this internalised worry to contend with than usual. Some find that working more closely with others can help (and if you’re wondering how to choose a co-founder or how to collaborate, then read our articles). But not everyone is in that position.

The lonely path of entrepreneurship: we’ve all felt it

I’ve often felt alone. I remember vividly sitting in the offices of notonthehighstreet on one of three floors packed with people and feeling detached. I had so many people around me physically, but no one around my heart.

I was in the middle of trying to pull investment into the business and for anyone who hasn’t done this, I’d say it’s right up there with that famous list people reel off about the most stressful things humans can do. It is death, divorce, moving and I’d like to officially add raising money! You see I was just ‘Holly’ on the inside, but on the outside I had to not only be a good, kind leader to the team but also a fierce saleswoman and negotiator. The fear I was experiencing was immense as only I was able to coach down. Internal monologues of imposter syndrome and self-doubt have no place as you try to raise life changing (and saving) money.

I felt desperately alone with my thoughts and my being. I do believe whoever said, “It’s lonely at the top” was spot on. I’ve also spoken to so many of this community over the years, so know that I was not alone in feeling this alone. It’s very common actually and I suppose one can see why.

Why do entrepreneurs feel lonely?

It’s common for people to start enterprises after being in a corporate job, or at university for instance — two places full of people. When we take that leap to build our own businesses, as founders, we suddenly find ourselves isolated in our back bedroom or working off the kitchen table by ourselves. It’s a place where each thought seems to linger and as the days go on (and on), our mind becomes full of questions, doubts and worries.

The science behind founder loneliness

I always remember the following statistic that Kate Downey-Evans, our resident Holly & Co coach and business psychologist from The Green Door Project, said during one of our Business Pharmacy sessions. A staggering 80% of our thoughts are negative, because we’re all still hardwired to our cave(wo)man instincts, to survive and protect. Back then each thought had to keep you safe thanks to a bear or hairy mammoth planning to have you for supper! So our thoughts mostly aren’t light and positive. Combine this with a lack of exercising these thoughts ‘out’ or having them erased thanks to a sympathetic ear, the brain becomes heavy and overloaded.

What happens when loneliness becomes too much?

How do we react to this? Well some of us go for days without ‘proper’ interaction with someone other than the newsagent. And if you have your head down in the administration or the complexities of your next business move, you can find yourself actually keeping away from other folks deliberately.

For those married or with partners, you also might find that you physically close down too when you are in this place. Worry can lead to shutting down and the loneliness in your day, leaves you struggling to open up or have a snuggle in bed. When this mist descends, it really can creep into every area of your life. It’s very real, but you should know that there are things we can all do to ‘self help’ ourselves out of the darkness.

How can an entrepreneur deal with loneliness?

One of the things I do when I can feel loneliness tapping away, is to get some interaction in the diary. The fastest way I feel less alone (and I know it sounds obvious!) is to be with people; those who I can share with and for me, that’s at least making that diary entry twice a week. Making sure I see people who I know will at some stage, ask me how I am and because I now only surround myself with radiators, I know I can talk to their kind hearts.

Whether this is in our Monday morning kick-off meeting with the whole team at Holly & Co HQ, or my weekly catch-up with my right-hand woman, just knowing when and where I’m going to get that special endorphin hit each week helps to reassure my mind.